Remembering Liam Payne

Posted On October 21, 2024

Samantha Colleran, October 2024

I don’t think there’s any correct way to talk about the passing of Liam Payne, so forgive me if this is all over the place. I will never forget the influx of messages that began to bombard my phone; people I haven’t spoken to in years, friends, family, all reaching out to see if I was okay after hearing the news. I hadn’t heard the news until I saw a text from one of my friends that said Liam died. I thought I was being pranked. I was at work and couldn’t be on my phone to do the research to see if it was really real, so upon seeing the message that said “i wanted to check on you after hearing the news about liam payne dying, are you okay?”, I audibly said “What the fuck?” A coworker of mine heard me and asked what happened. The words felt foreign as they left my mouth, “My friends are all texting me that Liam Payne is dead?” She looked just as confused as I was, and the texts kept pouring in. I managed to get through the remainder of my shift on autopilot, my brain completely disoriented and a nervous pit in my stomach that made me feel nauseous. I got home, my parents asked if I was okay, and I broke down. I sobbed in my mom’s arms and felt like the thirteen year old girl whose heart was shattered when the news broke that Zayn had decided to leave One Direction, only now I’m grown up and a vital member to a band that I’ve idolized since the fifth grade is no longer alive. That statement still doesn’t feel real, and part of me doesn’t think it ever will. 

Before I begin my long winded post about Liam’s loss, I want to make a note regarding the recent scandals that have been coming up regarding Liam’s ex-fiancé Maya Henry, as well as other girls who have come forward and shared their stories of the ways he treated them. I stand with every single person who felt brave enough to share their experience, and Liam’s death should absolutely not be blamed on them. Calling him out on his behavior was necessary, and I hope that anyone who shared their experience is able to heal, and even grieve, however they feel is best for them. Please be kind to these girls, they never thought this would happen. 

If you know me, or if you’ve read anything on my blog, you know One Direction is the main reason I want to be involved in the music industry. From the age of twelve, I knew that the way their management treated them was unfair and cruel, especially considering how young they were. I knew that somehow, some way, I wanted to work in the industry to help artists be properly represented and cared for. I told everyone I knew in life that I wanted to be One Direction’s manager, and I’m not the only one who felt that way; there was a GoFundMe started during the band’s peak where fans donated so they could ‘buy One Direction from Modest! Management’. I didn’t have the funds to donate, and realistically there was no way a fandom could have bought the band from their management, but the thought was common among fans that they deserved to be treated better. That spark led me to search for colleges that would allow me to pursue a degree in a music related field that didn’t require any sort of musical talent; long story short, I spent three and a half years doing just that at SUNY Oneonta, and here I am now. 

Since they decided to pursue solo careers, each member in their own way has shared the mental, emotional, and physical toll being part of the band took on them during such formative years. Liam especially had been vocal about being locked away in hotel rooms completely alone and turning to the mini bar full of alcohol to pass the time. On a number of occasions, he had said that if the band continued on, he wouldn’t have made it out alive. I understand that he was grown up and capable of making his own decisions after a certain point, but the fact that the team of people around him never intervened and allowed him to dig himself into a deeper hole makes me sick to my stomach. He was young and in a position of stardom not many people will ever come close to understanding, and instead of providing the proper tools and coping mechanisms to help Liam, and quite frankly all of those boys, through such a unique experience, these people continued to watch as they developed anxiety, depression, chronic stress, sleep issues, alcoholism, eating disorders, and the list goes on, all for their own monetary gain. I hope anyone involved in representing or managing One Direction understands the role they play in all of this, it’s shameful and disgusting. I hope that this devastating loss makes those who are currently holding power in the music industry take a step back and focus on how they can truly nurture their artist’s health and wellbeing. We’ve lost far too many people due to the nature of this business, I just can’t believe Liam is one of them. 

Although his solo career may not have been deemed as successful compared to other members of the band, Liam always held a place in my heart. During the pandemic he performed multiple shows on Veeps, which made me so happy because I had been missing live music so much and was sad about all the shows I was meant to go to that got rescheduled or canceled altogether. You could tell he was equally as happy to be able to do something like this for the fans during such a difficult time, if only for an hour we had a place to escape and feel semi-normal. His voice was truly spectacular, he helped to write so many incredible songs for the band, he always looked so happy to be performing. It was hard for him to find his musical footing after the band split, but there were songs he released I thoroughly enjoyed, and am beyond grateful to have now more than ever. Liam had often shared during the past few months that he had been working on new music and was excited for people to hear the true artist he was. I hope that somehow, some way, we are able to hear even just a fraction of that music. 

I hold Liam and his role in One Direction close to my heart, but to think of his parents and sisters, his son, his friends and extended family, all finding out in real time along with the rest of the world about his passing makes his loss that more devastating (just two hours ago, Liam’s sister, Nicola, confirmed that she found out through the news). I could never imagine hearing from a news outlet like TMZ that someone in my life was found dead, with photos of their body displayed online. (An absolutely atrocious move on TMZ’s part to post such images less than an hour after his passing, whoever was responsible for allowing those pictures to be released needs to be fired immediately). I hope his family and those who were close to him are able to mourn his loss in peace. I am thankful to the fans who were at the hotel when Liam’s dad, Geoff, arrived; they protected him from paparazzi, creating a shield around him and blocking the cameras with their hands so he could have some time to wrap his head around being where his son spent his final days.

This post will never feel complete. There are so many things I would love to say, many things that will change as more is revealed about what truly went down on October 16. The one thing I have to say is being a Directioner is something I wear proudly on my sleeve. Many people do not understand the bond between One Direction and their fans, it seems beyond the line of parasocial to most. These five boys got famous during the rise of Internet fan culture; during their time on The X Factor they shared weekly video diaries that showcased their unique personalities, they often went live on Twitter, were active in responding to fan comments, the history is all online for you to see so I won’t waste much time rambling about it here. The point is, the band constantly spoke highly of their fans, thanking us for playing a role in their worldwide success and made us truly feel like we had an authentic connection even though there are millions of us whose names and faces they will never know. They often referred to us as a team, and it’s in tough moments I feel so much love in my heart for my fellow teammates. Many people have returned to their fan pages to connect with old friends, share their thoughts, post and repost pictures and videos, and grieve with each other. It’s felt hard to be away from my phone these past few days because as exhausting and sad as it is to be bombarded with new details and tribute posts, seeing people share their own thoughts has validated my thought process as we all navigate this grief. I love this fandom, there is no other place I would have rather found solace in my preteen/early teenage years, and now as I’m navigating my 20s. 

I think for the time being, this may be a decent place to pause. Liam, there is so much else that can be said, but I want to thank you for allowing so many people to feel so much joy through your art and for sharing who you are with the world. I’m so sorry you didn’t have more time to heal, make amends, and grow as a person. You always had people rooting for you to get better, no one thought it would end this way. I hope you are no longer in pain, rest easy Liam. 

Below are two songs that I personally can’t bring myself to listen to right now, but the lyrics may bring comfort to some. Have a listen, if you’re able. 

If you would like to donate to a good cause in honor of Liam as well as own a piece of merchandise designed by him, you can check out the liam payne x choose love shirt which was designed in order to raise funds for refugees. My DMs are open for anyone who needs anything during this time.